I’m sitting here in the quiet of the house with my newborn baby by my side sleeping away. I catch glimpses of Divinity multiple times as I gaze at the profound being that lays beside me. I am reminded how amazing life is—how it is created is purely magic. I remember these feelings with my two older girls. The love grows and expands out into the Universe. These are the moments I crave when I am in the throws of daily life, of motherhood, of hustling to work from home and do things for our healing office space as well as maintain balance for the household. The chaos. Of course, in the grand scheme of everything it is beautiful chaos. But there are those times when I simply crave to be able to just sit and write. To express more than moments at a time. To be with myself. And the list goes on. The chaos of daily life can feel like a burden. Like a treadmill where you can never get ahead. Yet I know that is not Truth. And here I am now, wishing I could just be in that piece again. I’ve been laying in bed for too many days for my ‘go’ energy.
I planned to take this postpartum period to truly heal. That first day, I did an awful lot of sitting and laying around. I got up just for a few specific things and that was that. However, things shifted that night as bedtime neared on that first whole day after birthing Zendre. I was forced into an even more subtle healing period, full of laying down (versus sitting), and only getting up to use the bathroom. Here is what happned:
That night, we were getting ready to begin bedtime, and I went to the bathroom to push out a tiny piece of poo. (Oh the lovely first notion of going poop after birthing—something that is often not talked about). Well, I felt something protruding from my vaginal canal and my mind panicked. It felt like a Huge clot. So I pushed and pulled; and it would not come out. I called my midwife and she asked if my uterus was firm. I could Not feel it!! More panic.
I tried my hardest to get this thing out of me. I lay on the ground to massage my uterus and my lovely partner says “hey, can you stop trying to push that out please? It looks like an organ. I haven’t seen a clot before but it looks like that may be your uterus.”
UM what?! What emoji could I possibly insert here?!!
I stop. I have him take a picture. It indeed looks like my uterus. WTF?! Cue the uncontrollable sobbing here please. Thankfully my midwife arrived shortly after this, so I wasn’t laying there for too terribly long under massive distress, along with my back hurting like hell. (I never have back pain but this pregnancy I had an unusual spot that ached throughout the pregnancy, which now has so much clarity—and it was the spot that was in utter discomfort at this point in time).
When my midwife comes in she asks how I am etc, and I say that my partner has me all freaked out that it’s my uterus. She looks and gives a gentle “oh yep” as she gloves up and pushes my uterus back into it’s home. Just saying that word, “home,” fills me with so much emotion. (Probably an entire post in and of itself of the powers of the word and feeling of “home”-particularly for such a sacred organ).
OK, to fast forward the story some…I am put to bed with a pillow under my butt and directions to lay down aside from bathroom time. And so it begins—a drawn out, more drastic healing period that lies ahead for me.
That night was filled with emotional releases, and insights, which all make sense in the grand scheme of everything.
Things happen for a reason and this is one of those things that I was meant to experience.
I have been on a mission to gradually learn more and more techniques to help women heal postpartum (including numerous years postpartum), particularly with their pelvic region as well as their sexual selves. I have done a lot of work for myself since becoming a mother. My sexual personhood drastically changed. And it takes a lot more effort for me to step into my goddess self, and make time to practice sexual healing. Which is why it became more of a focus for me. In addition, I have always been ‘the abdominal’ healer woman—helping folks with digestion, their psoas muscle, and trauma, and some uterine lift/ligament release type work on women. And I have had a desire to learn more, such as Maya abdominal massage (from Arvigo) as well as jade egg work with the Saida Desilet method, and so much more. So alas, I have this intense experience to amplify my work and to motivate even more of a conversation surrounding being a woman and knowing our bodies.
Now, if you want to hear the deepest of the deep of this particular experience, I shall share…
The most tragic component of this entire experience was how I attempted to literally Pull my uterus out of my body.
Since I was a teen and started learning more and more about the body I became “anti-hysterectomy” because I learned about the pivotal role the uterus has in helping women maintain their pelvic structure into older adulthood. (Of course there are exceptions to every situation so I don’t think zero people should have them, I simply think they should be avoided at all costs if at all possible). So here I was going against a big belief system within my being. I had to apologize to my uterus numerous times during the days following the experience, and it would always bring me to tears, because I felt SO bad and sad about the fact that it happened and I was Doing it. I have such respect for my uterus and I have been that person who loves her moontime and finds such awe and power within womanhood. And I share that reverence and respect with my womanly parts as I go through different times of my life. So this was a big hurt within my heart because I appreciate my uterus so greatly. Not only for being an amazing body part but for working so well and helping carry my awesome children throughout pregnancy and for working so efficiently and magically to birth them into the world.
This experience also triggered inner hurts of ever feeling Stupid. For I have been quite in touch with my body since I was about 7-9 years old (around when I started going to a chiropractor and woke up my body awareness to an awesome level). So how could “I” not know that this wasn’t a clot and that it was an organ in my body?! But you know what-it felt like a clot and there was zero feeling on my uterus (SO WEIRD—the body is SO AMAZING)!
The other component to this tragic piece of pulling it out (Still insert crazy shocked face), was that I am ‘done’ having kids. I have known throughout this last pregnancy that I feel done and my partner and I talked about 3 as being the last one if we even had a third. So, here I am knowing I’m done, I might as well pull out my insides huh? CRAZY!!
This experience also was a big ah ha for how the uterus placement truly does have a pivotal role in a woman’s pelvic and structural alignment. The night this all occurred, I did some organ massage and when my uterus was in just the right place, that nagging pain I had in my sacrum throughout pregnancy, which felt like death when I was laying on the ground awaiting my midwife’s arrival, literally disappeared Immediately. And now if I ever feel certain twinges or pains in my pelvic region or sacrum I know my uterus is in a bit of a funky place and once I get it back in place the pains go away.
Alas, it has helped me to really honor my postpartum period. It has also redefined how I know my body. It has driven me to know how much I want to help women tap into their bodies after they’ve had kids (even if that’s numerous years after), as well as dive into the sexual and sensual healing that changes and takes place after being a birthing woman. And I want to talk about these things. For so long women have been hush hush about topics such as miscarriage and postpartum issues, and it’s time that we all talk about these things! Open discussion and sharing our stories will help others prepare, and heal and feel less isolated or alone on their journey. I mean who knew your uterus could come outside of your body and go right back in and work properly still? I never had anyone talk to me about this prior to this experience. And how fascinating the body truly is!!